A sadists right to be selfish

Last night was the first night in a long time that I actually decided to be selfish in a sense.

Brat and I were on the couch in our own little world. She was on her phone while I was on the computer for work stuff. It was the same thing that we do every night. Well, last night wasn’t going to end that way.

I told her to go to the bedroom while I grabbed our drinks. She tried to argue and ask questions but all I would tell her was to the bedroom which made her sister Skytzo laugh.

Brat made the bed all nice after I told her to and sat in the middle naked waiting patiently. What happened after that I won’t go into huge detail. All I will say is her body was red from head to cheeks. It was a very nice beating that was followed by some rather wonderful sex. I was happy and sated and after the first half hour she started getting that way.

There was one point where I had to remove the gag because she was crying and couldn’t breath.. Cus yanno breathing is a big deal apparently. Who knew?!

Anyway here is a picture from about the halfway point. I should have done one for beginning, middle and end but instead you all get the middle.

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Anna

Work and school

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Today I officially became a student again. I am going into the RN program but first I have to get the prerequisites out of the way. And let me tell you, there are an insane amount of them. Right now i am taking a math class, English comp, biology and psychology. Hopefully this time I will actually be able to do this at the GPA I need to be successful. Last time I was still with that ass hat R. He was to say the least unsupportive of my choice to go back to collage. But since brat too is going to school in the fall it should make things easier.

Oh and I don’t have cancer. Just lumpy boobs. Hot right? *snorts*

And although I still feel as if our relationship is stagnant or boring I’m hoping school and work will keep my mind off of that. I was told in work orientation not to work full time in the RN program but I cannot afford not to. That’s how busy it will be.

My life is actually picking up pace for once. I have never been the type to sit around and not do anything. I like to constantly go until I can’t go anymore.

I am optimistic that I will be too busy with work and school to notice how little we have sex or talk. A person can hope right?

Anna

Pretending

I am tired of pretending to be something I’m not… Lately it doesn’t matter what I want or what I say brat just does her own thing without thinking about whether it would please me or not.

It’s like I am in a vanilla relationship that is pretending to be kinky. It doesn’t matter what I do or try, that’s just how it is. I would love to come home from a hard day, disappointing day and be able to rely on her to do what she is told whether it upsets her or not. Whether I am upset or not that is how it should be. If I wanted advice that makes me feel worse I would have talked to my mother not her.

That is why slaves are best for Dominants such as myself. They have such a desire to please and fix bad days that it makes everything else go away. They don’t add to it they relieve it no matter their days. I don’t know maybe I’m trying to turn a little into a slave and it just isn’t possible.

Thoughts

I know its been a while since I have done anything on here. I would like to say it is because I am so busy with life but I can’t.
I feel as if my life has stalled out. Like I am waiting for it to begin. I doubt anyone knows what I mean because my life has in fact started. Babygirl and I have moved into this nice house, we bought the things inside it together but I feel like something is missing. Could it be the fact that a year later and other than moving a ton nothing has truly changed?
We were supposed to get married this august but I was terminated from my job. Granted I start my new job this week but again no real change. Right now in this moment there is no new adventure, no marriage to plan and no family other than her and I.
We have talked about babies and kids for a long time. She has wanted them since… Forever. And so have I.
Looking back on my life growing up this isn’t where I thought I would be. My life is so stagnant and lifeless its daunting trying to change that. Even with the kink aspect something is missing. I don’t blame babygirl I blame myself for this mess.
I feel stuck. Waiting. Waiting for what? I’m not sure. The doctor apt on Tuesday to tell me if I have cancer or not. The job to tell me if I do have cancer that they can’t hire me. For us to potentially loose this great place to live and everything we built for the possibility of children. To be told I won’t be able to carry children myself because of said possible cancer…. I’m just really lost and I have no idea what to do.
How can anyone, Domme, Dom, fiancé, or girlfriend stay strong when faced by the big C word? How am I supposed to deal with the fact that we cannot stay here if I have cancer? How am I supposed to stay strong and fight for the life we are trying to build when it feels like forces have been against us from the very beginning?
As I sit here in this empty house all I can do is think of the fact that for the first time in my life I have no back up plan. I have no plan b or c or even d like I normally do. I look around and all I see is… Nothing.
I’m just lost and have no idea what to do because for once I don’t know what’s coming. This I can’t control. I can’t tell my doctor to make sure she finds nothing. That I have been scared and nervous for nothing. All I can do is wait and I hate it.
I hate not knowing if we are going to have to move again. If I have cancer or not. If I will have to do chemotherapy and go into early menopause. If I will end up like my grandfather, withered away to nothing before he should of went. I don’t know if I am strong enough for this… And I hate it.

Questions

I got the strangest question sent to my fetlife inbox yesterday. I have a link to here on my profile and brats profile. They wish to be anonymous but I wanted to answer here.

They asked me why: brat doesn’t have her own blog/write on mine very often?

That would be because she prefers a paper journal over having her thoughts and feelings posted all over the interweb. Which is perfectly fine with me. Her slave journal is something that is private and between her and I. She writes her thoughts, fears and assignments on paper and I read them and comment on them.

If and when we decide she will transfer to an online journal she will have her own space. But until then it will be as it is.

On another note, the trip went very smoothly. We were gone for 12hrs which to some isn’t a lot of time but it did the trick of recharging the batteries. Brat was all wide eyed and fun to watch with everything new around here.

Time alone

Tomorrow I am taking brat out of town to do some desperately needed alone time. Our house is rather full with 2 other people living with us so we normally don’t get a lot of alone time.

But on top of that I have to dole out punishments accordingly for the last 3 days. She has to write an essay which you all will be privy to and her little tushie is going to be sore.

Tomorrow is shaping up to be quite interesting.

In other news I ordered a goodie bag from extreme restraints Friday. The new flogger, butt plugs and collars should be here by this Friday at the latest but I’m kinda hoping for Wednesday because brat doesn’t work till 5pm on Friday and I plan on testing the new toys out very thoroughly.

Its been too long since I’ve relished in the whimpers and moans of brat while accepting the pain I give her.

Way too long.

Life as she knows it..

Is about to end..

I am sorry for the absense once again. My life has become hectic once again. No matter how had I try somethings get away from me. Sadly, this is one of them. Its never intentional it just happens.

For the past couple of months brat has become more and more lax on the rules. And I’ve allowed it. Why? Perhaps because everything is so stressful right now. I’m taking CNA classes, she’s working a lot, we bought our house and are working on it. The cars had to be fixed especially mine that took a shit. I’ve had so much on my plate its rediculous! So the strictness also just kind of slipped away. Its quite difficult to juggle work, school, renovations and brats unrulley behaviour. But that’s no real excuse.

Was I hoping with everything going on she would see my stress level and lessen her misbehaviour? Absolutely. Did that happen? Not at all.

Is it time to get back to basics and give her a reason to behave? Once again absolutely.

So to do this I have created a Brat Counter on my phone. It will help me keep track of what hasn’t been done, what’s been neglected and the according punishments. Because of the hectic schedule I will be keeping track through out the week and punish accordingly on our days off; Mondays. Of course it will add up through the week. A part of me is hoping it adds up to the point of making her realize that “hey if I’m good throughout the week, I won’t hurt so bad on my only day off with Mistress.” If it doesn’t I guess I will go to the extremes…

Venting

What would you do if a close friend was making a very big mistake and they didn’t even realize the hazard?

A friend of mine is putting her marriage on the line. For discrete reasons let’s call her R. R has been married for only 1 year but with her husband for 3 years. Let’s call him O.

R is inside making out with someone that isn’t her husband. She says O is okay with it as long as he knows. But how okay can he be when we don’t even see the two together anymore? He’s always hulled up in the other room and R and her new flame are always cuddling in the living room where I’m suppose to sleep.

Sleep is a foreign concept in this house but one that is necessary to my survival. I have to be up in 3hrs to drive to a wedding that takes place a hr and a half from here. We all do. But its hard to sleep when R is practically fucking this guy on the couch.

I just can’t sit by quietly anymore. Even brat is having issues. Since this whole thing started the whole vibe of the house has changed. Its charged and completely ready to explode. Its only a matter of time.

In my eyes once you find your one, the person that makes your life worth living, you don’t need to go out and fuck someone else. It isn’t right to me. Ever since I’ve been with brat I haven’t even thought of another person like that. Sure, like any human I look at what’s out there. I am apreciative of the female form. It doesn’t mean I’d go out and screw them the next day.

It makes me wonder how okay O really is with all this. I have been told many times O and I are very similar which makes it even harder for me. I love him dearly like a brother and I love R as a sister. But I can’t help but feel she is going to loose everything over this and so will O. Not only will he loose his wife but his best friend, the guy R is fucking.

I need to figure out a faster way to move out. All this bad karma is going to hit and hit hard. I don’t want brat and me to be here when it does…

Inspiration

I just saw the most profound writing on fetlife just now and had the urge to write about it.

This submissive woman wrote about the true meaning of slave in her eyes. There are thousands of interpritations of the image of a “true slave” and to that person it is true. The way she views it though is by far the one that hit the closest to home.

In ancient times slaves came in all sizes, shapes and careers. They were warriors, gladiators, farmers and even samuri. A slave is a person that is not free, who is owned by another person. They were not the docile virgin girls that most seem to fantasize about. They are human beings with flaws and bad sides like everyone else.

Owning a human being is a very complex and hard journey but one I feel has just as many rewards to go with the hardships. Just because brat throws an attitude doesn’t mean I ship her off and replace her with a new model because at the end of the day she is human. Anyone that I replace her with will too be human and the same hurdles would show up.

If a slave feels like she has to hide a part of herself just because those traits are undesireable, how is she to truly feel owned. These times are when the true line of ownership forms and the true journey begins. When all of the preconseived notions leave her mind and she becomes who she really is within the service, that is when it gets good.

Some how I lost sight of that along the way and I would like to thank this woman for opening up my eyes once again. My perception became clouded and I lost sight with what truly mattered. And that isn’t all the perfect behavior or docile attitude from brat, but brat herself.

I have always wanted her to flourish within my ownership like I know she can. But with my judgement clouded how is she supposed to do that? She can’t. Some how I lost sight of that and now we can once again move forward.

My version of a Sadist

Sadist: Noun 1. A person who has the condition of sadism, in which one receives sexual gratification from causing pain and degradation to another.

As I stated in the page The Owner, I am a sadist. But that does not mean I fit the mold of every sadist out there. I love to give brat pain in all the right places to make her moan, whimper, cry or yell out in fear. However, I do not like humiliation or degradation. The closest thing I can come to either of those is reducing brat into a whimpering pool of flesh after a really good session. But at the end of the day I will always build her back up into that beautiful person I fell in love with.

On some occasions I will use her as a human table while she is in her meditation position. Or I might use her as a stand for the remote or controller to the TV or Console. It just depends on the day or situation. But I will never degrade her sense of being or self worth just for jollies. I’m not saying that the people that do like to humiliate their property are wrong or aren’t right in the head. If that is your kink great. However, that is not for me.

I am the type of sadist that knows their boundaries. I don’t like giving pain to just anyone for any reason. I know my limitations. Just because I am a sadist and you a masochist does not mean I will beat your ass because the whim strikes. I’d love to punch stupid people I run into in the face but it doesn’t mean I do it.

I have this thing called self control and common sense.