I know I’m supposed to be asleep right now but I am technically in bed.
Tonights just not a good night. As I’m laying here trying to sleep all I can do is think which leads to feeling. My mind keeps playing scenarios that I might of done differently or better. That somehow all of this is my fault.
Right now everything that I have been trying to escape and run from has come flooding back. I’m trying so hard not to smoke a cigarette while by soul is torturing me. So instead I’m writing which I may regret in the morning.
All of the pain and torment I’ve been through in my life that I thought was long buried has bubbled back up to the surface along with everything else. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. How many times can one heart or soul be torn to nothing??
I am so sick of hearing time heals all wounds from friends and family. If I hear it again I will scream. How much time does it take? A month? A year? A fucking lifetime?
All I want to do is not feel so broken and its not working right now. Why isn’t it working?
The last time I wrote I mentioned hope. But not just any hope. I wrote about finding hope with saving my relationship. I know now that was a false hope. B and I will never get back together.
It was a hard pill to swallow and the aftertaste is still bitter. Does it still hurt? Yes. Do I still get angry thinking about the things I did and time I wasted? Absolutely. Have I found the “signs”? No.
But it is slowly getting easier to handle.
I did something this week I didn’t think I would ever do again. Why? Because, I didn’t think my relationship would end. When I go through heartache and a doomed relationship I go back to my most masochistic self. I want to use selfishly by being used. I crave the pain of flogger on flesh as much as my body craves breath. I need to feel something other then the bitter anger I feel about the situation.
I need someone to push the boundaries and limits. I need someone to demand more then I think I’m able to give. I need to feel that even at the primal level someone understands me and accepts who I am by pushing me where I can go and thrive.
I am a classic sadomasochist. I love giving pain, but I thrive and revel in receiving it on a deeper level. Its not just the after affects or floaty-space, its the pain itself. Its looking into someone’s eyes and seeing the same delicious look I get and meeting that challenge hit for hit, lash for lash. That thrill of getting what I’m giving is an amazing feeling.
Which is exactly what I am getting. But it is a game of yen and yang. In order to be used as a masochistic pain slut I have to submit to his service oriented side as well. It is something very hard for me to do. I have never been good at it.
But if that is the cost to feel what I felt yesterday? I will gladly pay it and do the best I can. If that means being a complete slave to his will no matter the subject, I will be that.
I am by no means a 100% submissive that yearns for her forever Dom. I am not the perfect mythical female slave bound by her submission.
What I am is a complex person with two sides of who I am. Some days they clash, others they work together towards the same goal. Being used sexually, as a piece of meat to use and abuse at will.
Where do I even start? So much has happened during the last handful of weeks that its all jumbled up.
I know it is the season of change. The weather is turning because fall is right around the corner and then in a blink winter will be here. So not looking forward to that!
But what I didn’t know is how much change would be dumped into my life with no warning… Ok side note rant for a minute. I know when people say there was no warning then they look back on their life and find all these signs but so far I haven’t found a single one. Brat and I would fight, yes. But it was never to the point of anything like this. Things just blew up and I didn’t find out why for a few days. Apparently, people at her place of employment were making her second guess everything from her decisions in life, my loyalty and fidelity, and whether this type of lifestyle was for her. When I say making her second guess things I mean just that. I guess this had been going on for MONTHS. Six months to be exact and I only found out a couple of weeks ago.
She never mentioned anything to me about any of this.
Nothing. Nada. Zilch.
So my life has changed on that note. I am single again. I am also in college planning on transferring in 2 years to the eastern hemisphere of the U.S for my bachelors and Masters degree.
Unfortunately, I have to take everything one day at a time. I wish I could just pack everything up that is important to me and disappear from this crappy area. But alas I have to wait.
I am sure there is more but I just haven’t sifted through everything yet.
Today we went to Verizon to pay our bill. No big deal, right?
Wrong! We walk in to pay the bill and all of a sudden I am getting a new phone because my volume buttons are on the fritz and we are told we can get 2 free iPads… I repeat the word free.
Well as it turns out there will be an added $110 on our next bill because of activation and the plan up charge of $10 per iPad.. Which of course they told us about after they were activated and we were about to walk out.
Damn sales reps are bloody sneaks!
But we have new iPads and my phone will be here by Tuesday because of labor day weekend. If we didn’t leave when we did, we would of had cases and bluetooths to match!
Remind me to never go into that store again! Ugh!
Three weeks ago before classes start I set out a 5day training plan for babygirl. My intention was to set us on the right path before everything got crazy. As it turns out it is a good thing that I thought ahead. (The last two weeks with work and school for the both of us has been hectic to say mildly. I will go into that later.) With the 5days of training, I wanted to solidify our relationship into the roles that it was supposed to be for the last year. But also I wanted to add a layer to the already complex dynamic.
The layer I speak of is complete ownership. Everything given to her is a privilege not a right. Anything she wants she has to earn right down to her ability to sleep in bed next to me to the type of food she will eat.
During the day of her training, she was put through basic protocols. If she was good she was rewarded with a privilege if she didn’t follow the rules or was mouthy she got punished. She wasn’t punished by only pain but activities she doesn’t like. Doing dishes without using the dishwasher, cleaning the bathroom tile grout with a toothbrush or similar activities.
At night.. We would do scenes. Each night things got progressively worse or better depending on ones point of view.
Night One was a normal spanking in the sense that i took her over my knee until she was pleasantly red on her butt and thighs.
Night Two I used the flogger, belt, cane, clothes pins and hot wax. It was amazing to see her body covered in welts with her nipples sensitive by the pins and hot wax strewn all about. For a time her inner thighs held the candle forcing her to hold still while I flogged her back. If she moved she would get burned. Even though the candle and flame was inside glass (As the picture to the left shows) the glass gets rather hot if it is in one position too long. When the glass is up next to the over used sensitive bits, it can get… uncomfortable to say the least.
Night Three was similar to night two only along with all of the above, I used the paddle, blind fold, gag, and had her put head phones in. The headphones were to drown out any sound. The blindfold was to make sure no light could be seen. And the gag was to silence any yells she may have had into muffled yelps. Which there were many. This night was like the others only this time I didn’t stop at just red. My intention was for bruising but her body and limit became unwilling to reach that limit.
Night Four was my favorite. Orgasm Denial. But first a trip to the local toy store where we got a couple of things to add to the collection and make it slightly harder for babygirl not to orgasm. Playing fair would just be no fun at all. These couple of items would be what you can see her wearing and what you cannot. I bought a nice ball gag and benWa balls. The balls were an added perk that made it a little more difficult for her. During everything that happened she was not allowed the orgasm she desperately wanted. Instead she got extremely horney and sensitive. It is amazing what those two things can do to a slaves mentality especially when you add the other three nights onto it.
And Night Five was the complete opposite as a reward for not complaining about night four. She didn’t say one negative word about not being able to cum. She accepted it as if she had been doing it this whole year. She made me proud and still does. On night five she was treated to ice on her body, cold water, (Both of which she hates) and markings of the temporary variety along with 14 orgasms by many different means. It was definitely one of the highlights of the five days. Hearing her beg, not for more orgasms but for them to stop. It is truly amazing hearing those sounds in that voice. Very rewarding for all the hard work that goes into it.
Last night was the first night in a long time that I actually decided to be selfish in a sense.
Brat and I were on the couch in our own little world. She was on her phone while I was on the computer for work stuff. It was the same thing that we do every night. Well, last night wasn’t going to end that way.
I told her to go to the bedroom while I grabbed our drinks. She tried to argue and ask questions but all I would tell her was to the bedroom which made her sister Skytzo laugh.
Brat made the bed all nice after I told her to and sat in the middle naked waiting patiently. What happened after that I won’t go into huge detail. All I will say is her body was red from head to cheeks. It was a very nice beating that was followed by some rather wonderful sex. I was happy and sated and after the first half hour she started getting that way.
There was one point where I had to remove the gag because she was crying and couldn’t breath.. Cus yanno breathing is a big deal apparently. Who knew?!
Anyway here is a picture from about the halfway point. I should have done one for beginning, middle and end but instead you all get the middle.
Today I officially became a student again. I am going into the RN program but first I have to get the prerequisites out of the way. And let me tell you, there are an insane amount of them. Right now i am taking a math class, English comp, biology and psychology. Hopefully this time I will actually be able to do this at the GPA I need to be successful. Last time I was still with that ass hat R. He was to say the least unsupportive of my choice to go back to collage. But since brat too is going to school in the fall it should make things easier.
Oh and I don’t have cancer. Just lumpy boobs. Hot right? *snorts*
And although I still feel as if our relationship is stagnant or boring I’m hoping school and work will keep my mind off of that. I was told in work orientation not to work full time in the RN program but I cannot afford not to. That’s how busy it will be.
My life is actually picking up pace for once. I have never been the type to sit around and not do anything. I like to constantly go until I can’t go anymore.
I am optimistic that I will be too busy with work and school to notice how little we have sex or talk. A person can hope right?
I am tired of pretending to be something I’m not… Lately it doesn’t matter what I want or what I say brat just does her own thing without thinking about whether it would please me or not.
It’s like I am in a vanilla relationship that is pretending to be kinky. It doesn’t matter what I do or try, that’s just how it is. I would love to come home from a hard day, disappointing day and be able to rely on her to do what she is told whether it upsets her or not. Whether I am upset or not that is how it should be. If I wanted advice that makes me feel worse I would have talked to my mother not her.
That is why slaves are best for Dominants such as myself. They have such a desire to please and fix bad days that it makes everything else go away. They don’t add to it they relieve it no matter their days. I don’t know maybe I’m trying to turn a little into a slave and it just isn’t possible.
I know its been a while since I have done anything on here. I would like to say it is because I am so busy with life but I can’t.
I feel as if my life has stalled out. Like I am waiting for it to begin. I doubt anyone knows what I mean because my life has in fact started. Babygirl and I have moved into this nice house, we bought the things inside it together but I feel like something is missing. Could it be the fact that a year later and other than moving a ton nothing has truly changed?
We were supposed to get married this august but I was terminated from my job. Granted I start my new job this week but again no real change. Right now in this moment there is no new adventure, no marriage to plan and no family other than her and I.
We have talked about babies and kids for a long time. She has wanted them since… Forever. And so have I.
Looking back on my life growing up this isn’t where I thought I would be. My life is so stagnant and lifeless its daunting trying to change that. Even with the kink aspect something is missing. I don’t blame babygirl I blame myself for this mess.
I feel stuck. Waiting. Waiting for what? I’m not sure. The doctor apt on Tuesday to tell me if I have cancer or not. The job to tell me if I do have cancer that they can’t hire me. For us to potentially loose this great place to live and everything we built for the possibility of children. To be told I won’t be able to carry children myself because of said possible cancer…. I’m just really lost and I have no idea what to do.
How can anyone, Domme, Dom, fiancé, or girlfriend stay strong when faced by the big C word? How am I supposed to deal with the fact that we cannot stay here if I have cancer? How am I supposed to stay strong and fight for the life we are trying to build when it feels like forces have been against us from the very beginning?
As I sit here in this empty house all I can do is think of the fact that for the first time in my life I have no back up plan. I have no plan b or c or even d like I normally do. I look around and all I see is… Nothing.
I’m just lost and have no idea what to do because for once I don’t know what’s coming. This I can’t control. I can’t tell my doctor to make sure she finds nothing. That I have been scared and nervous for nothing. All I can do is wait and I hate it.
I hate not knowing if we are going to have to move again. If I have cancer or not. If I will have to do chemotherapy and go into early menopause. If I will end up like my grandfather, withered away to nothing before he should of went. I don’t know if I am strong enough for this… And I hate it.